Help! I am really struggling with Claire these past few weeks- okay, months. She has been the best form of birth control EVER! I just don't know what to do with the little "brat" lately. (Did I just publicly say that??) I am so sick of her telling me to shut up and that she hates me. She gets violent with me- slaps, hits, kicks, throws things, etc. I spank back and it doesn't even phase her. No tears, nothin. Just a mean look on her face and she tells me how much she hates me. I just don't get how sometimes she can be so sweet and then- the devil takes over. I need some advice on how to nip this in the butt now before she gets to be a teenager. I put her in her room in time out and she will destroy her room, kick the door, etc. I have tried putting her in time outs in other places- like the corner, but it doesn't work. She has a mind of her own and will NOT stay. I have thought about taking away all of her toys- I think that's a Dr. Phil thing- but where in the heck would I put them all? Ugh- I just need some advice or ideas before I end up in the loony bin in a padded room....
7 comments:
I know it's frustrating Jackie, all I can say is don't give up. Quinn was tough and then after trying and trying we eventually found his "pressure point" and then we could squeeze. I mean that figuratively. His pressure point is sitting on a bar stool where he can't touch anything, not the wall, not a door, nothing. And not just for 2 or 3 minutes, he was on that stool sometimes for an hour. I'm not sure what to say about the physical side of her tantrums, hitting and etc. I haven't had to really deal with that. I guess just really drive home the fact that that kind of behavior is not acceptable. My suggestion would be to discover the thing that is most important to her whether it be friends, a toy, television, whatever, and start there. YOu have to play for keeps, don't let her bargain with you. If you set the punishment, you have to follow thru with it to the letter. Quinn, would say "I won't ever do it again" and then I would reply "That's good to hear, but you still have 20 minutes on the bar stool" I think the best approach is consistency and follow thru with your punishments. If you ground her for 3 days, don't let her bargain down to 2 days. Good luck and I hope it will work. It made a lot of difference with Quinn.
The challenging child...I have one too. Mine is the drama queen. I've told Boyd that I'm leaving before the hormones hit. He says it's to late.
We haven't had to deal with the physical side either but have had more than our share of tantrums here and "mean mom" comments. I certainly don't claim to be an expert. The hardest thing for me is being consistant.
However, I totally agree with Meagan..Figure out what means the most to her and start there as a punishment and don't give in. That seems to work with Heather. It took us awhile to figure it out. We still have drama and tantrums here and there, but they're easier to deal with.
I sometimes have to remind miself to not make the punishment so extreme that I can't enforce it. That's where Boyd and I work well together. It seems like when one of us is mad the other is able to bring some reasoning to the subject.
As she gets older I feel like things have been better. Good Luck...things will get better. Remember your a great mom!
Wow! You got Meagan to comment on your blog. Come on, even though you are frustrated, you must feel very special! I think it's a first.
Seriously...What do I know?!? Macy can be the queen of brat and sometimes I see into the future (you know, 9/10 years) and I am frightened. Since I am NOT perfect, and I don't do things by the book at all, I will give you "Love and Logic" advice. I really do love the "Love and Logic" approach (even though it is hard to remember it every time), but I get the best results with my kids when I actually follow these techniques. If you ever want to borrow books or CDs, I have plenty. I like to put them on while I clean the bathrooms. Even though I've heard them a million times, it is always a good reminder.
Austin used to do the kick the door thing (of course, he was a lot younger which means he was also smaller). This is what I did. I would tell him that he can be mad all he wants, but he is not allowed to ruin our house. Then, without saying another word, I would take him out to the car and buckle him in his carseat for a time-out. Since my kids are so puny, they stayed in the very tricky to unbuckle carseats for a long time. We had to do this a few times with Macy too, but it only took a few times and I didn't have to worry anymore about dents in the wall or a foot through a bedroom door. Claire is probably too big for this, so just try to find a place where she can go and not destroy anything - like my house.
I'm totally serious. Just bring her over, and I will provide a very nice time-out spot that is just perfect for her. The best part is that she isn't going to kick me or my house. Just drop her off and I'll have her tell me when she is ready to treat her mother and her home with respect, then I'll drive her back home and you can "discuss" her behavior. You may think I'm kidding, but I'm not. I have found that if I can take myself out of the equation as much as possible, my kids respond so much better. For example, at Sunshine Square they have the saying, "You get what you get and you don't throw a fit." I use this one ALL the time. The best part is I can just say, "That's what Miss Jill says." How can they argue with that!?! I can think of two times when I have dropped my darling little boy off at Cami's house. Once was because I had to run to the store and asked him to get ready, which he didn't of course. So, I called Cami who let him sit on a chair in her room while I ran to the grocery store. It was a long time before he tested me on that one again. Really...Call me and we can work something out. I bet it won't take very long before she stops. And I have no problem treating her kindly but firmly. I promise she won't go home with treats or anything.
I've also found that the fewer words you use, the better - especially when they (and you) are angry (this is also a "Love and Logic" concept). If Claire yells that she hates you and kicks you, since she isn't three anymore and more difficult to move her around, if I were you, I would remove myself from the situation. Just say, "It's not okay for you to treat me that way." Then go to your room (drop whatever you are doing), climb on your bed, and pretend like you are enjoying a really good book (I say "pretend" because you'll probably be too angry to actually read). The nice thing is that Claire is old enough to leave alone for a few minutes. She isn't going to hurt herself or anything. Then, when it appears that she has calmed down, just come out and act like nothing is wrong. Then, the hard part, you have to remember to punish her...later. For instance, when she asks you for a snack or to go to a friend's house, you just simply say, "Oh, I really wish I could say 'yes' because I love you and I love doing nice things for people who treat me kindly, but you treated me so rudely earlier today that I just don't feel like it." Or, you could even set something up. Maybe everyone who treated everyone else in a kind way gets to go for ice cream after dinner.
See how great I am at spouting out these techniques when I'm not emotionally involved with the situation. I know it is much easier in theory, but I really do believe that when I remain calm and stick to "the plan" I see great success with my kids. Most importantly, you need to get other people on your side and come up with a plan ahead of time. If you decide ahead of time what you are going to do when she says "I hate you" and kicks you, you will be able to do it! Good luck and know that she is not really, truly a brat - she is a little girl testing her limits with her mother (something that is extremely normal). We'll all get through this parenting thing together - right!?!
I noticed that I said you have to remember to "punish" Claire. I should have said that you have to remember to give her a consequence. Another great thing that works (when I remember): Natural consequences. We are not punishing, we are teaching life lessons. (Now it just sounds like I'm quoting the book.)
Jackie, I too, have had my share of behaviorally challenged kids. Like Emily, I have used the "Love and Logic" format in my parenting. It teaches kids how to be responsible for thier (mis)- behaviors and choices by the child owning the problem and not the parent.I've taken the six week class twice and also have CD's that are great reminders of what I've learned in the classes and what I should be doing that maybe I've forgotten.(I sometimes need alot of reminders on how to deal).
Now, the hard part-putting it into practice. My recomendation is to sit down and write the top five things that drive you crazy about Claire. List in order of severity. Then decide which one of the five you want to work on for the week. Like her verbal abuse towards you. This way you don't feel totally overwhelmed trying to correct all of her bad behaviors at the same time. Love and logic helps parents to establish clear, FIRM and respectful boundaries-sounds like that may be just what you need. I highly reccomend the 6 week class. I would also suggest that Spence take it with you so that you are both on the same page in your parenting Claire. It'll work on your other kids too, even teenagers-Yikes! I promise, once you get a few key ideas and phrases memorized, it takes all of the fight out of parenting.
O.K. for example. Let's take the "shut-up!" and the "I hate you!" behavior. Disrespectful kids are tough to take. They have a smart aleck come back for all we say. The problem comes as we give a "fireworks" display in response. We are actually rewarding our kids for sassing us. We are giving our kids emotion and they're like sharks smelling blood! Kid's thrive on parental emotion.If you respond something like, "You're not going to talk to me that way you little brat!" followed by a lecture, all the kid hears is blah, blah...blah talk to the hand. So, like Emily said, remove your self from the situation-because we can only discuss the sassing problem when our kid is NOT in the middle of sassing us. It feeds their fire.
What to do next? Once your blood pressure is back to normal and she's had the chance to calm down, you can try to discover the reason for her disrespect. During your discussion, set the boundary that you will not tolerate her talking to you in the manner she has. You could always attach a consequence at this point too. (That's a whole other discussion!)
Jackie-you are a wonderful mom to your kids! Don't give up-I just remind myself it's all part of the "deal." Hope something I said was helpful. Sorry the post is so long! Good Luck and may the force be with you!
Thank you so much for the advice ladies! I will definitely use it! The past two days has actually been good with Claire. For some reason she is letting me comb her hair and get her dressed. Maybe she could sense my despair and figured she'd better straighten up. LOL
Jackie - I'm so happy to hear this. That is one thing that I absolutely LOVE about blogging. Sometimes, just getting it down (on virtual paper) and out makes all the difference. Sorry for my long-windedness before. But, I figured you did ask for advice, so I gave my two (or ten) cents.
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