Behind the Scenes: March 2009

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Up Close and Personal

Today I started taking my anti-depressant again. I have been off of them for 6 months. It was very emotional for me to swallow that stupid little pill again. It's a symbol that something is wrong with me. I am a failure. I can't keep my emotions in tact and don't have high enough self esteem to feel better without the help of medication. It's admitting that I can't pretend to be normal on my own anymore- it's getting too difficult to mask. I can't put on the fake smile and seem to be happy. It's admitting that it's hard for me to be around people right now and to function in my every day responsibilities. It's admitting that I don't have the energy to take care of myself without help. It's admitting that my depression has been hurting my marriage because I close myself off to my husband and to others around me. It means that I need help to try and pick myself up and get the energy and will to work on myself as well as my communication and relationship with my husband. Taking that pill makes me feel weak. I want to be strong and happy again.

There. Got it off my chest. Feel scared, but better. Relieved.

Next Day Note: Now that I've read this and been thinking about it I just want to clarify that I don't have severe depression like some do. I can get out of bed every day and do what I need to do. I go through "bouts" of minor depression I suppose and periods where I can't control my swing of emotions. Sometimes I get anxiety and I seem to be tired a lot. I start to feel bad about myself- thus making it so I don't want to be around others. I just didn't want anyone to think that I'm "severe."

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Confessions

Okay- so I was sick over the weekend and I admit it: I AM A WIMP! I was a total baby. My sinus headaches were bringing tears to my eyes. My back and sides were aching from all of the coughing. I could go from shivering to sweating within seconds it seemed. My stomach was nauseous and queezy. I laid in bed or on the couch the entire time taking boatloads of medicines. I was completely miserable. As I was soaking in the tub for about the 5th time I was thinking to myself "How did I ever make it through childbirth?? And more than once??" I was acting like a big baby.

I have always told my kids that moms just don't get sick days. Well, this mom took about 3 sick days. My sweet Spence was so awesome to come home early from work so I could crawl into my bed. He took care of kids and let me stay in bed for as long as I wanted to. He didn't complain at all. And my kids were so sweet to come in and be concerned for me. They would give me a kiss or rub my back or just simply take my hand and say "I love you mom." Those were the bright moments.

I still have coughing spells and can't breathe half the time and the other half I'm blowing my nose. Where does all that snot come from? For the most part I am feeling better and just pray that I won't get sick again for a long long time. I'd much rather take care of sick kids.

Thanks for letting my whine and complain and be a wuss!

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Tired of Technology

I am sitting here on the laptop and just getting a knot in my stomach. The tv is blasting in the front room. Claire listens to the tv sooo loud. I think she may need her hearing checked or something. Her and Nathan were just fighting on the couch. She seems to think that she needs the ENTIRE couch to herself. So Nathan goes downstairs....few minutes later I hear Logan screaming. Nathan and him are fighting over the Playstation. Naturally they can't play together. Star Wars is also blaring on the tv in the family room. THERE IS SO MUCH NOISE IN THIS HOUSE! I just feel like unplugging all the televisions, game systems, and computers and throwing them out the door. It seems like it has just gotten out of control. What has happened to simple family time that is quiet and productive? Does anyone else experience this? How do some of you monitor these things in your home? I find it so difficult, because if I put time limits on things- then I am responsible for providing the entertainment. Do I have energy for that? Have I gotten to be a lazy mom? I admit, sometimes it is nice to just let Spongebob babysit my kids.

It got me thinking to what I did as a child to entertain myself. I remember rollerskating in the street for hours (pretending to be an instructor with a bunch of "students" behind me), playing Barbies and paper dolls. My friends and I used to use record jackets to make our Barbie houses. We would open them up or stand them up next to each other to make different rooms in the house. We would always fight over the Michael Jackson Thriller one. LOL (This is really dating me...kids probably don't even know what records are now.) I also remember a home video where we made our own cooking show- on the menu was macaroni and cheese. We filmed ourselves making it. I don't remember sitting in front of the tv or video game for hours like my kids do. (OK, I admit playing Duck Hunt....) And Saturday was a special day- the only day when cartoons were on! Imagine that. I'd get up early to watch Smurfs and Pac Man. Now there's an entire cartoon channel.

I guess I just want to know if you put time limits on things for your kids and how you monitor it. Any advice out there? I'm sure things will calm down once it's nice outside and the kids aren't cooped up inside. Right???

3/10: Nathan has worked hard in school this year and has received straight A's all year. He worked hard to get back into honors classes next year also. I am so proud of him.

I was putting Logan in his bed late at night because he fell asleep in our bed. Nathan was sound asleep in his bed. He talks in his sleep quite a bit. This was the conversation he had with me while his eyes were closed.
"Mom!"
"What Nathan?"
"What's there to do?"
"What do you mean?"
"I'm bored!"
"Well, why don't you read?"
"Cuz that's BORING!"
"Why don't you just go to sleep?"
"mumble mumble mumble" (couldn't understand)

My crimany- even when they're sound asleep they still ask me what there is to do because they're bored! Does it never end? LOL

3/10: Logan was visiting some cousins and they weren't treating him very well. He hadn't been feeling well besides. When we picked him up he began to tell us all the "naughty" things that were said and done by them. He continued to say that these cousins liked to play violent computer games and that they watch R rated movies. (which I don't think is true...) At the end he sighed and said "Those kids need to get their life straight."

11/09: Our computer has had a virus and Nathan (our computer whiz) hasn't taken the time to fix it. Logan wanted to play a computer game on Spence's laptop. Spence told him no. Logan shouts at the top of his lungs "Then tell Nathan to fix the DAMN computer!" Needless to say, he went straight to his room for time out. I don't know where he learns those words!

2/09: I was playing a Memory Game with Logan and Claire. They teamed up against me. I HATE that game. They were of course, winning. Logan says with so much excitement "Mom! We're kicking your ass off!" I said "What?" Naturally, he repeated it for me. I don't know where he has learned that word because I swear- I have never used it.

-We were at the drive up at Wendy's and Spence gave his debit card to the cashier. Logan asked "Is there never ending money on dad's card?" Boy, I sure wish there was!

-Claire decided to suck her thumb in the car the other day. I told her that she is too old to do that and that there are so many germs on her hands that go in her mouth. Logan's response: "At least it keeps her from talking mom."

-We were coming home from Sunday dinner at the in-laws and were playing around with the GPS navigator we got for Christmas. The lady was telling us instructions on where to turn to get home. When we were almost home Logan (in sarcastic voice) says "Uh, we know how to get home. We don't need any stupid instructions!"

-Last night Logan was laying in bed. I was putting Claire to bed. It was all quiet, then Logan says "Mom!" I said "What Logan?" He then replies "I can hear my brain banging in my head!" I didn't even know how to respond to that one.

3/10: I got out some Sun Chips for Claire for lunch the other day. She was excited about the flavor of them and said "Oh I love this kind! This kind is made with weed!" (They are the plain kind that have wheat...)
1/10: Claire got the movie "Hannah Montana" for Christmas. She loves that movie and I cannot count how many times she has seen it. She turns it up and dances during the songs. She was going downstairs to watch it and said she couldn't take Simon (our new dog) down with her cuz she was going to be "rockin and rollin." I guess it was going to get a bit too wild and crazy in the basement for the new puppy... :-)

5/11/09: Claire brought home a "Sight Word Fishing Game" from preschool. You write different sight words on the back of the cards and fish for them with a magnent. I helped her to read the words. We came to the one that said "you." I told her the word and told her it was like "I love you." She then replied "Or like yooo gross!"

2/26/09: Claire went to the dentist today for the first time. She was nervous so watched while Logan had his teeth cleaned. She saw the "blue napkin" laying on him and asked what it was for. I told her it was to wipe stuff on. She said "Like your boogers." Hmmm- let's hope you can keep your finger out of your nose while the dentist is here. :-)

-I put Claire to bed and came down and sat on the couch to read. After about five minutes Claire got out of bed and came down. She pulled out the Friend magazine to sit by me and read. I kept telling her she needed to get back into bed. She refused. She ignored all of my threats and I didn't have energy to deal with it. She said "Mom, I'll do everything you tell me to do...tomorrow!" Ugh!

-We were in the car the other night and it was a bright full moon. I said to the kids "Look at the full moon!" Claire looked then asked "What does the moon eat? Cheese?" I laughed and said the moon doesn't eat anything. It's not alive. Then she goes "Well then how come it's so fat?"

-Claire came running up to talk to me and said "Mom! I need to tell you something. I need to talk to you FOREVER!"

-Claire has been a little stinker lately and really testing my patience. She has an "attitude." I was laying in bed with her last night and asked her if she was going to please start minding mommy and daddy. She just looked at me and shook her head and said "Noooo."

-When Grandpa Dee passed away we explained to the kids that when Jesus comes again he will be back "alive" and his spirit will enter into his body again. Spence later found a picture of his dog, Shasta, that died a long time ago. He was talking to Claire about the dog. She brought the picture up to me and said "Mom! Here is Shasta! He is dead, but when Jesus comes again he will come back alive. Jesus will bring her to us in his car!" Hmm, I wonder what kind of car Jesus drives. Definitely a Mercedes...

9/1/10- Samuel rolled over from his belly to his back today! He is smiling so much now and discovering his voice and hands more. He definitely loves to be held and especially likes to sit outside. He brings so much joy to our home!
9/12/11- Samuel is climbing everything now. He loves to climb up on the cupboard and kitchen table. He loves his bottle and blankie. His favorite things to play with are any kitchen utensil (spatulas, wooden spoons, etc), and the mop and broom. He dances when he hears music and has the BEST smile ever.