Older Sister Advice

I emailed the following letter last week to my siblings, their spouses, and my parents. Spence decided to email it to his siblings as well because he thought it was great advice. So guess I will post it on here as well so I will have it for "future reference."


I know each of you are probably used to getting "advice" letters or emails from mom or dad (mostly dad)...but now you are getting one from me. Since I am the oldest sibling- I figured it's one of my "rights and privileges" that come with it.


As you know, my brother-in-law, Sean passed away last week. It was a tough week- let me tell you. Just five days prior to Sean being found unconscious I had talked to him on the phone. It was a short phone call. He was asking me how to do something on the computer, so I simply walked him through the steps of what to do. Who knew that that would be my last conversation with him? Had I known that- I would've told him I loved him or thanked him for being a wonderful uncle to my kids, etc. Literally being at someone's bedside when they take their last breath is definitely life changing. It's something I hope I never have to experience again. But I know that Sean knew of mine and Spence's love for him.


Spence's dad, John, shared with us what he has taken from this experience. He said it's to not be judgmental of anyone. None of us know what another person has gone through, or is going through. Some people were judgmental of Sean for some of the choices he made, and because of some of his actions and beliefs. But none of us knew the pain and sufferings he experienced- both physically and mentally. The same is true of anyone. We have no right to judge others- just as it says in the scriptures "Judge not, lest ye be judged." We need to love and accept people for who they are.


Which then leads me to my next piece of advice of not holding grudges against someone- especially family members. It just isn't worth it. It doesn't do anybody any good. It takes more energy to carry around negative and spiteful feelings towards someone. I think as being the oldest, I have tried to be a peacemaker. It's in my personality that I don't like confrontation or conflict or for anyone to have ill feelings towards me. I would rather just keep things to myself. The contention that could be caused by saying something just isn't worth it to me. I'd rather just try to move on and put something offensive or upsetting behind me. I'm not saying that things shouldn't be talked about or comnmunicated if necessary, but they need to be done with love and mutual respect and then set aside and put in the past. You never know what life has in store- of when tragedy might occur. Imagine how you'd feel if there were ill feelings involved. It just isn't worth it. Look at all the time that was lost between Mom and Cindy because of grudges being held. Look at how many family relationships were affected. Are you willing to take that chance by holding a grudge/hateful feelings against someone?


I am asking all of you to put behind you any hard feelings you may have for other family members. As yourself "In the grand scheme of things, is it worth it? Does this really matter?" I'll bet the answer is no. Try to have loved and forgiveness in your hearts. Remember things that your family has done for you or times they may have given you love and support. We all make mistakes; none of us are perfect. If I have done anything to offend any of you- please forgive me.


All of us need to mend any relationships that may need mending and move forward. Now more than ever is the time when family is the most important things. It needs to be the strong support system. Don't let Satan hurt that bond by letting stupid things that don't matter, or things from years ago creep in. this is what he wants- he wants to destroy families because he knows the importance and great power of them.


During this last week with Sean's passing, I have witnessed from Spence's family what true family love and support is and how important it is. It has brought them closer together- it has brought Spence and I closer together. Please don't wait for a tragedy to happen to bring us closer. Our family is all we have. We need to spend all the time we can together and share laughs and make fond memories together and above all- enjoy being together.


I hope you will all take this with an open mind and heart. It is coming from my heart. Realize how lucky we are to have one another and strive to look for the good in each of us. I love each of you dearly and it hurts me when there is ever any contention amongst us. I will close with a quote taken from Gordon B. Hinckley's book "Stand a Little Taller."


Cease to be idle; cease to be unclean; cease to find fault one with another;...And above all things, clothe yourselves with the bond of charity, as with a mantle, which is the bond of perfectness and peace. (Doctrine and Covenants 88:124-125)


Imagine how our own families, let alone the world, would change if we vowed to keep faith with one another, stregnthen one another, look for adn accentuate the virtues in one another, and speak graciously concerning one another. Imagine the cumulative effect if we treated each other with respect and acceptance, if we willingly provided support. Such interactions practiced on a small scale would surely have a rippling effect throughout our homes and communities, and eventually, society at large.


Love Always,
Jackie

The Dreaded Question

Last night I was laying in bed with Logan after tucking him in. He was counting down the days until his new baby brother would be born. Then suddenly he spoke some of the most dreaded words for a parent...

"Mom? How do you get pregnant?"

Instantly, panic began to set in. A lump was forming in my throat; my heart was pounding. What would I say? "Umm....I will talk to you about it tomorrow. Right now you need to get to sleep."

"Ok, but it's something I've been wanting to know."

Whew! Dodged it for then. Surely he would forget by the time morning came around. WRONG! How could he possibly forget when I've got this huge belly staring at him to remind him?? He asked again.... All I could come up with for spur of the moment was this:

"Well Logan...I have eggs inside of me. Not like bird eggs- but a different kind. And when they are fertilized they begin to form into a baby."

His response: "Oh, ok."

Breathe a sigh of relief. That seems to satisfy him for now. So my question to all- when is the right age to talk about the complete birds and the bees? What do you say? Logan will be 8 in a couple of weeks. I will certainly not bring it up again until he asks- but I would like to be better prepared. I guess I must have blocked out that conversation with Nathan or how old he was, because I don't remember anything about it. Maybe I just referred him to Spence.....(which is a scary thought in itself- who knows what the hell Nathan knows about the birds and the bees then. LOL)

Uncle Sean

As many of you know, Spence's brother Sean is in a diabetic coma. Saturday night his 10 year old son found him unresponsive on the couch. When paramedics arrived Sean didn't have a pulse. They were able to stabilize him at the hospital. They have kept his body temperature down to help with any damage that may have been caused to his heart and brain. Late last night they turned off the cooling machine and are letting his temperature slowly rise to normal on its own. Sean has had uncontrollable twitching that they think is due to brain damage. Once his temperature is normal, doctors will run an EEG. Things don't look good, although we are trying to remain positive.

Yesterday in sacrament meeting Logan and Claire drew Uncle Sean a picture and wrote a note saying how they loved him. Sean is very close to all of his nieces and nephews. Claire and him are especially close. (The above picture is Sean's profile picture on Facebook.) I was able to hang up the pictures in Sean's room yesterday when I saw him. Logan and Claire are quite concerned. We've told them that Sean is sick and is kind of sleeping right now. This morning Logan told me he had a dream that Sean died. How do I respond to that? I just told him we didn't know what would happen, but that Sean's brain might have some damage and if he does die that he will be with Heavenly Father. Logan added "and still be with us." I said yes- we will still have him in our hearts and have our memories of him. I am thankful that they were able to spend last Sunday with him at dinner and that it was an enjoyable time.

I guess we need times like these to help us to rely on the Lord for strength, peace and comfort. I have been quite emotional this morning since the house is quiet and I'm alone for first time since it happened. Spence's family is strong and supportive so I know we will be able to get through whatever may happen. Please continue to keep us in your prayers.

Update: Sean unfortunately has extensive brain damage. The only part that is functioning is the cerebral part. He was without oxygen for at least 20 minutes and the doctors said the 15 minutes it took to revive him could cause damage as well. There is no chance of him ever recovering or having a normal life. He will be kept on breathing machine until his son Jeremy gets here from Iraq (Tuesday) and then be taken off it. We are all very sad about this and will miss Sean. I talked to Logan and Claire tonight about it and many questions were asked and tears shed. Spence gave them each a father's blessing for peace and comfort. Claire was writing down all the things that her and Sean have done together. Logan is my sensitive one so he took it quite hard. He wanted to give Sean a big hug. I wish that were possible. I just reassured them how much Sean loved them and that he would be with Heavenly Father. I hate it when my kids are sad and in pain but I am so grateful for the Gospel and the help and comfort it brings.