Today I started taking my anti-depressant again. I have been off of them for 6 months. It was very emotional for me to swallow that stupid little pill again. It's a symbol that something is wrong with me. I am a failure. I can't keep my emotions in tact and don't have high enough self esteem to feel better without the help of medication. It's admitting that I can't pretend to be normal on my own anymore- it's getting too difficult to mask. I can't put on the fake smile and seem to be happy. It's admitting that it's hard for me to be around people right now and to function in my every day responsibilities. It's admitting that I don't have the energy to take care of myself without help. It's admitting that my depression has been hurting my marriage because I close myself off to my husband and to others around me. It means that I need help to try and pick myself up and get the energy and will to work on myself as well as my communication and relationship with my husband. Taking that pill makes me feel weak. I want to be strong and happy again.
There. Got it off my chest. Feel scared, but better. Relieved.
Next Day Note: Now that I've read this and been thinking about it I just want to clarify that I don't have severe depression like some do. I can get out of bed every day and do what I need to do. I go through "bouts" of minor depression I suppose and periods where I can't control my swing of emotions. Sometimes I get anxiety and I seem to be tired a lot. I start to feel bad about myself- thus making it so I don't want to be around others. I just didn't want anyone to think that I'm "severe."
11 comments:
I didn't even know. Greg tells me that I'm brutally honest and that I can scare people with my honesty. He says that people don't know how to react, and I should just keep it in sometimes. Maybe.
I appreciated your honesty tonight. Please know that you never have to fake a smile in front of me. I know you are a good person, a fabulous mother, and a dedicated wife who tries so very hard - nothing you say or do will change that image in my eyes. I also don't believe that anybody is a failure who keeps getting up in the morning and trying. Some days are better than others - more productive and fulfilling than others. But I guess that's life.
I'm so grateful for your friendship. I was just thinking the other night that I am so grateful for my friendships in the ward. One of the main reasons is that you've all been around long enough to see my "not so bright, happy, perfect" side and you love me anyway. I think that is a good thing. Hopefully, you start feeling better soon.
Have you read the book that Jen's sister wrote on depression? It is her own experience, and I think it is very powerful. I think there is still a link on her blog.
Jackie, I'm so PROUD of you for writing this!! You are amazingly strong- most people aren't this strong, strong enough to write so honestly. You are NOT WEAK Jackie!!! So many people suffer from depression, I know we had this conversation on trek. My entire family...seriously. It's so not something you can control on your own. Be nice to yourself. :)
I love you Jackie, you are so fabulous. You are so generous, kind, so loving, you an exemplary mother, and an amazing friend. I LOVE YOU!!!
Jackie, I think in life there are leaders and followers, leaders lead and also take care of others, they are always there for you, always concerend for others and have big hearts. Your a leader Jackie. Sometimes that rock that everyone leans on needs a little care and attention to make sure it's integrity stays intact. It's not a fault in the rock, or the rocks fault, it's the leaners who have neglected their rock by not letting you know how great you are and how much you do for them. It builds confidence in you. So I want to let you know that you seem to always be there making sure family stays strong, complimenting everyone, showing care and concern. Your an example to follow and a credit to your gender.
Jackie, I have so much respect for you sharing this really personal issue! I too, have struggled with bouts of depression of varying degrees and lengths for a good part of my life. I could relate so well to all of the things you taked about in your post. I do want you to know, that the drugs are a good thing, not an admission of weakness. I think once you can get your brain chemicals adjusted and working well, it helps make all of the other issues related to depression easier to deal with.For some reason, this winter has been a really hard one for me, too. If I can be a listening ear, let me know. I really do understand. Let's go get a Diet Pepsi and some Mrs. Field's!
Or...we could go work out at the gym together. Naw-like the Diet Pepsi idea better;)
Jackie, You are an amazing gal!! You are beautiful, intellegent and strong. Don't ever doubt yourself for any reason. You are always giving and it's ok to have to take your pills to help with everything that life brings. Your not alone and you are very loved!! Love you!!
Just today...after my throat was sore from yelling at my kids...and my heart is broken because I feel so lost in my marriage...and my body feels so tired and worn out...I thought "Maybe I better call my doctor and get a prescription for Welbutrin again." I felt like such a loser! And such a failure. It's been years for me.Though I want something to help I want to be strong enough on my own too. And then I logged onto your blog...and I thought "Damn! She's done it to me again!" I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face thinking "This woman is my hero!" Your courage is inspiring. And I relate to every word you wrote because they are my own. Thank you Jackie.You're doing the right thing.Weak people to not write about their fears and insecurities for others to share in...that is something that strong and courageous people do. If I had a sister I would want her to be like you. Hang in there!
Jackie, You are awesome! I know how hard it is for you to share, and yet you find that strength. I know in my own life it is so easy to pit my worst days against the best "show" I see from my friends. (Not that I think they put on a show, it's just not all out there every day.) You know, my worst against everyone else's best face. It's a hard pill for me to swallow, there are so many things I feel like I don't get right every day.
Thanks for sharing, it makes us all be honest with ourselves, even if we are not brave enough to be honest with everyone else yet. Love you Jackie, keep it up!!
Thank you all for the nice comments. They gave me a needed "boost" and made me feel not so alone. You are all great and I love you all. Thank you so much for being my friends!
Hey Jackie, I'm glad you posted this. It's really great for you to do that. I also agree with Spencer. I haven't seen you as much through the years as I would like to but I have seen the great woman that you are and that you lead others. You really do. Grandpa's birthday, for example, you did SO much work with the food and took that opportunity to serve your family. Thanks for that and all you do.
I was also on anti-depressants at one time. It's a difficult thing to go through...even if it's just spouts of depression. I haven't taken them for a couple years and since I have grown stronger...mostly because I've been using this product called Isagenix. It's a cleansing system that helps your body rid itself of toxins and feed itself of minerals and vitamins. Not only have I been loosing weight, but I have had more energy and feel better.. It may help? If you have any questions, you can ask..it's helped me so much though...
Jackie, I just also wanted to say thanks for posting this. I think so many people can relate to this in different ways and it strengthens all of us to see your courage. Please don't ever feel like a failure. You are an amazing woman! I know it's hard to share personal struggles but thank you and I love you!!
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